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[Mar. 29th, 2007|09:54 pm] |
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If only once, let there be that glimmer of hope. Let a star shine against these blackest nights so I might raise my eyes. For every day, my flame flickers and that candle is growing cold and dim. But I just can't run and it's killing me... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|12:10 am] |
I wish you were online right now, I need someone to tlak to. Therefore, this email is nothing more then a rant that I need to get off of my chest because I am on the verge of tears right now. If you don't want to hear it, please, just delete it because I don't know what I am going to be saying.
I don't understnad why I have so many problems letting go. I can't take it. I wonder if I am developing an addiction, because I am always running away from memories I just can't handle anymore. I think I am on the verge of a mental breakdown again. I was supposed to have a week off from the work, to catch up... what a mistake that was, letting so many things come back to me. and now, I can't sleep at night... I feel to insecure, I think in the day, I feel too afraid. I want to drink right now, I want to so badly, but last night I drank way too much and realized that I don't drink for fun, I don't drink to look cool, I drink to escape... and isn't that the beginnings of alcoholism? I just can't handle life anymore... during hte day, I feel like bursting into tears at little things lik dropping my pencil or misspelling a word. I've been a wreck since I got my latest ACT scores back too. I've gotten dumber. All of my scores went down, and I know I have gotten smarter... at least, I thought I knew. I just can't take this... I just cna't, I need work to do, I need to get away, I have to find a way to cope with living because I just cna't do this forever... I am starting to wonder if I am going to make it through highschool. I thought for so long, that I was on the right track, even though I could never see myself graduating, I felt like I was going to. I am just not os sure anymore... |
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[Jan. 7th, 2007|09:36 pm] |
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Farewell sweet memories, the end of hopes and dreams. This is Goodbye to Romance; I'm biting the bullet or so it seems. Welcome back sharp silver, its time we meet again. You'll kiss my wrist tonight, I pray this is the end. This time you will remember, this cold night; my suicide and sweet surrender. Your chance to rescue me, that was your cue but in the song it all came true. I'll be fine, when my life ends I'll say goodbye. As time passed, so grew my faith in you and with passion in my eyes, I loved you everyday. A needle a day keeps the nightmares at bay but a bottle a day washes all hopes away...And a knife helps me say that I'm sick of this fray and keeps my wrist bleeding until the trip is one way. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2006|11:37 pm] |
Burn the Heretic, Kill the Mutant, Purge the Unclean: Incresunt animi, virescit volnere virtus.
I know you remember that cold clear night. Those stars were beautiful, so long ago... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|11:53 pm] |
shit. That's all that I have to say right now... Shit. I am freaking out about college things because I just can't seem to pull anything together. I dont' have half a clue about what I need still, applications are a total bitch, I don't know who I am mailing things to, and for some reason... I am applying to Harvard, I might as well play russian roulette because everything just sucks right now and a 1 and 6 chance of not having to deal with life anymore seems like it's not such a bad idea.
here I go again, talking about all of the bullshit that I try so hard not to even think about and every weekend, it always comes back, because I have nothing to do over them... maybe I am just lame eh? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|01:05 am] |
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I am going to be out of town for break. I am headed to the east coast for things, though I don't know what. I was invited by antoher family to come with them, and chose to, as I won't get there any other way. Leave me a message while I am gone ok adrienne? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2006|12:46 am] |
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I fear I might be making a mistake that I should know better then to make again... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2006|12:25 am] |
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what is the meaning in all of this work I do. I know that you are goin to read this adrienne, and I know that you are at some point going to think, now you knwo how I feel. I don't know where I am going to get with all of this work, and why amd I doing it? I am putting on weight, I've put on 15 pounds in 4 weeks because I ahvne't been able to get out and exercise like I want to, because I ahv ebene workng, I haven't been sleepung, because at night, I feel it looming, the feeling that something has been left undone. and everyday, I hate school because I know that I could be getting more done on my own. what is it like adrienne, what do you do all the time? Just how much work do you do in order to keep up? I want to know, I want to know if this is what it is going to take for me to be working like you, like I know I should be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|10:41 pm] |
I'm getting sick of life. EVeryday so normal, so bland. I have a habit of falling into routines very easily and it keeps me on a schedule...but I don't know how it affects my mental health. I need pressure to thrive, and yet, I do everything I can to reduce stress and pressure on my life, which just leaves me aggrivated about alot of things and generally hostile. I think I need help with my anger. Recently I have been feeling alot less...controlled you might say. More impulsive then someone who is known for keeping a level head. It's school, how pointless it is there for me, I don't do anything with most of my day and I spend so much time with things that do nothing but get me a grade that I am having problems getting other things done. I havne't been able to work on college things, so I am probably fucked. I don't get to play music like I want to, and I don't hav etime for the projects that I want to get done.
AT least today something interesting happened. I got some anemones for my fish tank and a feather duster worm. I am starting to get some really neat things, but one of the anemones is worrying me. He isn't anchoring to anything like they are supposed to. The other one anchored in a couple of minutes, but he has been sitting around for hours and it's not a good thing. I have to turn the current generators off so that it doens't just blow him around mercilessly, but if he isn't going to anchor, I can't keep the flow off forever, the water needs to circulate. Life, it's frusterating. I just want a gigantic fishtank and to just spend hours, watching everything in it. I have a new goal in life, have a 250 gallon reef tank. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|09:54 am] |
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I got new fish tank things. Though 2 of my hermit crabs died, out of 5 and being the first tank inhabitants, it's not so bad. My water levels are still running just fine and I think that they probably starved to death. Everywhere I looked, I only found information that they were scavengers, but no one could say scavengers for what, so as best as I could tell, they ate algae, well, apparently, two didn't. I got a snowflake eel and a chocolate chip starfish. Adrienne, you really need to look the eel up on google, he's really neat. How is your hermit crab? Is he one of those bigger ones, about the size of a 50 cent piece? I used to have some of those, a long time ago, they were really neat. I am starting to feel better too, last couple of days I have been having panic attacks and severe mood swings, but I don't know why. they are starting to subside, which is good I guess. I need to get back in bed, I hate being sick. |
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